


Armored Leather Jackets

by GeekyStorytelling



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hurt, if I write a sequel, if people are interested, im sorry alex, potential happy ending, very brief suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-26
Updated: 2017-05-26
Packaged: 2018-09-18 15:36:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9391286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GeekyStorytelling/pseuds/GeekyStorytelling
Summary: Alex had enough friends in her life. The one time she wanted something for herself and she's shot down. Ruminations on life, loss, and friendship.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to come chat with me at:  
> Tumblr: https://geekystorytelling.tumblr.com/  
> Twitter: @GeekyStories  
> Youtube: GeekyStorytelling
> 
> Send me prompts, ask me questions, or just chat about random going-ons ...I love it all! So don't be shy :)

‘I’m here for you...but as a friend’

Alex sat with her knees pulled to her chest and a thick down blanket wrapped around her shoulders draping her body. She was silent in her breakdown; tears cascading from her eyes to the ground with barely a whimper.

She was used to suffering in silence.

‘I’m here for you...but as a friend’

The phrase ripped at her heart. A heart that, before Maggie, was safe from the inadequacies of love. A heart that was cocooned in self-reliance. It was protected by fingers of whiskey and armored in worn leather jackets.

‘I’m here for you...but as a friend’

Alex had friends, or at least, there were people she felt comfortable engaging with in friendly conversation. Kara played double duty as her sister and her best friend. J’onn was her boss, her mentor, her teacher...but yes also her friend. James and Winn were Kara’s friends, but she has also come to care for them- especially Winn whose move to the DEO often brought them into close quarters. Even Agent Vasquez, was someone she considered herself friendly with if not an actual friend. She had friends.

Alex didn’t want another friend. Her heart ached for what her brain hid from for so long. 

‘I’m here for you...but as a friend’

A sob escaped Alex as she slowly pulled the edges of the blanket together hoping that, like her heart, she will be swallowed whole. 

She had been there for many boys as friends in her earlier years. James the sweet pediatrician she met in medical school, Hunter the brash but loving chemistry major at Stanford, and Brian the nervous boy who would buy her coffee when they studied together in the library during high school. God, she wished she could have given one of them her heart. 

Instead, she did what any masochist would and gifted it, wrapped neatly in later in life regrets and fresh off the boat optimism, to the one person who held no interest. 

‘I’m here for you...but as a friend’

Alex reached for the tumbler perched precariously at the edge of her coffee table. ‘Am I ever going to be enough?’ Thoughts of Kara and flying and touching the stars ran through her head as she stared hauntingly at the amber liquid.

‘Who am I kidding? I’m not even enough for my parents,’ she thought miserably to herself. 

Images of her father trapped in Cadmus and her mother's betrayed face when she told her about her work for the DEO flashed through her mind. She would never be good enough. She would never touch the stars. 

‘I’m here for you...but as a friend’

Her thoughts were shaken when her body rumbled with hunger. It’s been two days since she last ate anything. The pizza from lunch on the day she went to meet Maggie was the food she last consumed.

Now, she was consumed by the pain of her inadequacies.

‘I’m here for you...but as a friend’

Kara tried to stop by yesterday; slowing her heartbeat to fake sleep got easier after medical school. 

She was worthless compared to her powerful sister, genius mom, and devout colleagues. Kara drugged with red kryptonite was the closest she ever got to an honest conversation about her failures. 

Her pain was once again pushed to the side once Kara was woken from her stupor. 

One well worded text message, in reply to the 134 ones she received from Kara, was all it took to get her space from her alien sister. 

‘All I’m asking for is some time Kara. I’ll let you know when I’m ready for you to come over,” Alex typed methodically to shield herself from another spontaneous visit from her sister.

She knew it would work. Alex never asked for anything. 

‘I’m here for you...but as a friend’

She wondered if this is what it felt like for Maggie when her girlfriend broke up with her. Then again, she and Maggie never dated. 

Maggie and her girlfriend went to dinner, they cuddled on the couch, they shared their lives with one another. They were friends...and partners...and lovers.

Alex and Maggie? They weren’t anything. 

‘I’m here for you...but as a friend’

Her tumbler empty, Alex rose to refill her glass from the bottle of Johnny Walker that took up temporary residence on her kitchen island. She had been saving the expensive whiskey for a special occasion; a celebration of her failure to live up to expectations seemed like a good enough reason. 

She would never be good enough for Maggie. Just like she wasn’t good enough for Eliza or Kara or J’onn. 

Refilling the glass, she watched as the liquid passed her pinky and index fingers, it rose higher than her middle finger and sat precociously at the top of her pointer finger just a few inches from the rim of the glass. She did not want to chance the liquid spilling as she returned to her position on the couch.

‘I’m here for you...but as a friend’

Her service weapon was locked in her drawer next to her bed. It would take 25 steps or 40 seconds to get to her drawer, 30 seconds to unlock it, and 3 seconds to take off the safety. 

Her ability to shoot might be the only adequate accomplishment she has. Though, perhaps her knowledge of the human body and its essential organs were a close second. 

‘I’m here for you...but as a friend’

Alex’s eyes fluttered shut as another flare of pain shot through her heart. If this is what “being real” is then maybe it wasn’t worth it. 

She could handle life on her own. This deeply rooted pain was not worth the potential for love. 

After all, if her own family hardly loves her how can she expect anyone else to? 

‘I’m here for you...but as a friend’

Her phone buzzed again. This time, Maggie’s name appeared on the screen. This would be the 37th time that she tried to call- not accounting for the 74 text messages and 23 voicemails. 

Alex couldn’t take another declaration of friendship, or attempt at caring, from the woman who built her up only to tear her heart out. 

Alex now functioned like a broken grandfather clock. Standing tall and proud knowing who she was but lacking the ability to function as designed. She was a decorative piece with no purpose other than to watch over others. 

‘I’m here for you...but as a friend’

Her hands trembled as she put down her glass. The alcohol had numbed her physical body but did nothing for the emotional pain running hot through her veins. Slipping silently down her couch, Alex landed on the floor with a shudder. The blanket, still draped over her, was now bunched at her shoulders.

Laying on her side, Alex brought the blanket over her head in an attempt to block out the world.

‘Maybe’ she thought ‘Maybe I’ll do something tomorrow.’ 

‘I’m here for you...but as a friend’

Alex closed her eyes and took deep sorrow filled breaths. The world around her began to blur as she let the dark claim her in an offering that had been done the past two nights. 

As she slipped into unconsciousness the only thing she could remember was Maggie’s understanding eyes and concerned look when she said “I’m here for you...but as a friend.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked this story feel free to leave kudos! Also, I love hearing from my readers- what did you like? What didn't you like? Leave a comment and let me know!


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